Hi, I'm new here. Not really sure why I joined, other then COE is obviously a problem I have. I don't do the community thing much, so please excuse me as I fumble through this introduction.
(cut for length)
As far back as I can remember, I've had a problem with food. I can remember my parents leaving the house when I was in elementry school, to take a walk or something, and I would raid the kitchen. We weren't allowed to eat in between meals, so that was considered stealing in my house. I'de eat anything I could grab quickly and run back to my room. I'de hide it under the bed and eat it as quick as possible so I wouldn't get caught. Of course, I'de get caught quite often, and get in trouble for my eating.
I was of normal weight until I was about twelve- I moved out of my Dad's house and in with my mom and at that point, there was no more rules about eating. You ate whenever and whatever. There was no meal time. I'de come home from school and eat, and eat. I was really struggling with depression, and was very lonely, and I think this is just how I dealt with things.
I gained a lot of weight that year- then got tired of all the teasing, and starved or purged myself back to my normal* size. That was a viscious cycle that took me until I was 17 to break out of. I can't tell you how many hundreds of pounds I've gained and lost in my lifetime.
I'm twenty one years old, and I weigh over 300 pounds at five foot nine. This is the most I have ever weighed in my life, and I am really to a point where I am starting to see that my eating may cost me my life. My father is diabetic- I have blood sugar issues. I have high blood pressure as well. I feel miserable.
Still, I continue to eat. The worse things in my life get, the more I eat. I don't even think about it any more- food that is. It's definatly a compulsion, a deep rooted part of who I am. I could list a million reasons why I do it- the truth though- is I don't really know, not for real. More importantly though, I don't know how to stop. And I'm really scared.
There is so much in life that I have missed out on since gaining all of this weight- at 18 I got to the point where I couldn't go on some rollarcoaster rides. I can't even start to describe that embaressment. I don't go swimming any more, I can't go horseback riding any more. Aside from all the fun, recreational things, I'm miserable in my own skin, and I'de do anything to find a way to deal with life outside of a fork, so that I could be happy.
Way back when I was starving and binging, my only real goal was to be pretty. Now, I'd just love to not feel like crap every day, not to hurt walking around for the first ten minutes or so after I get up off the chair or bed.
Any ways, thanks for listening. I hope that sooner or later I'll figure this out, and that every one else that has this problem will too. I just have to hope that there is a better way to live then inside of this cycle that I'm stuck in.